I kinda suck at this, don’t I?

This whole blogging thing.  I am horrible at it.  I have this blog that I pay for the site address every year, and I rarely use it.  Suppose I should do something about that.

I shall subject you, whoever you are, to more of my stupidity!  Yay!

And I figured out how to link it to facebook, so now my dear friends on there will see it.  Aren’t you all just freaking lucky?

So.   I have depression.  I have taken medications for years and I, after being without insurance for a year, actually was forced to ween myself off of them.  It didn’t hurt that the last couple my doctor tried to get me to take were scary as hell…  So yeah, I don’t take anything for my depression and anxiety.  And I can tell.  I have good days and I have bad days.  But what makes them any different than a person who doesn’t have depression?  Don’t you guys have good days and bad days too?  Sure ya do…
My bad days are marked by when I lock myself in the upstairs bathroom and sit on the floor and read my book or watch youtube videos on my ipad.  I could be “stuck” in there for a couple hours.  The guys in my house rarely notice, since they’re too busy doing their own things anyway.  (Thank you, xbox and new television.)   The cats, however, think it’s fun, since I’m basically sitting by the door and they stick their paws under it and I can tap them and they think it’s a game and mommy’s playing!  Then they get pissed that they can’t get into the bathroom and turn into mini furry battling rams and run into the door.  That’s generally my cue to get out of there.

I’ve been ok lately.  Last week was kinda tough, but I managed.  I don’t know why, so before you ask, Mom, I have no idea why I was down.  I just was.  No particular reason.  There never seems to be a reason, it just happens.  I’ve been emailing with my friend Manda (whom I believe is actually my sister and that she and my brother Wookie are either twins and got seperated or she was the original baby in the hospital and Wookie belongs to someone else – JUST KIDDING WOOKIE!!!  LOVE YOU!!!) and she it a major know it all, but in the best way possible.  She gets me, gets what I am going through, and offers up suggestions on how to fix it.  Manda’s going to college to be a “wellness professional”, whatever that entails, but she believes that mental health must be dealt with first before the whole exercise and eating right thing, because if you’re not in the right headspace, the first slip up of your diet and you’re gonna crash.  She thinks that if you are in the right frame of mind, everything else will come naturally.  (This is why I love this lady, she’s awesome.)  So, upon her suggestions of some basic vitamins and herbal stuffs, I’m going to try to control my depression and anxiety without having to go on medications that will leave me feeling like I’m a space cadette and I’m on my first space walk: not really attached to anything but a thin cord holding me down.  I hated that feeling.  And while depression is horrible, I can still feel.  Some days I just feel more than others.  Once I get it under control though, the rest of it will follow (the eating better and exercising more).

So yes.  I have depression.  Depression does not have me though.

I’m in Psychology this semester.  I’m really liking it.  A lot.  Like a lot more than I thought I would.  I’m honestly thinking of changing up my major, and instead of going for English and going into publishing, perhaps I should go into Psychology.  Seriously.  I honestly know why I have anxiety (the regulations of gamma-aminobutyric acid [GABA] being off, according to some studies) and depression (lowered levels of activation at norepinephrine [NE] and serotonin synapses).  (I didn’t even have to look that up!  Ok, I did for the spelling of GABA and NE, since you guys wouldn’t know what those meant if I left it at GABA and NE.)  I can’t wait to read more about this, to know exactly why and how those synapses not working correctly happens, or if it’s something the body is born with.  I get giddy just thinking about it, and I’ve actually looked ahead in the (massively expensive) text book (that I will not be reselling since I’ve highlighted it so much it looks like a rainbow threw up in it). I’ve gotten A’s on all of the assignments and mini quizes and the papers I’ve written so far.  Which is a far cry better than the B’s I’m barely pulling in in my business class.  I like it, but honestly I don’t have a brain for that stuff.  I read it, I understand it, but if you ask me anything about it, I draw a complete blank.  I’m hoping I pass.  *lol*  Nah, it’s not all that bad, but seriously, I don’t have a brain for business.  I don’t get all the big words they use.  (Me not so bright…)

Anyway.  I paid for this website for another year.  I’m gonna use it.  I have a twitter account but I never use it (except when I’m so bored and I feel like stalking the guy who plays McGee on NCIS).  So I’m thinking of making this my quasi-twitter account.  If that makes sense.  It does to me.  That’s all that matters.  Right?

Right.

Well Crap.

So Hi!  How have you been?  It has been a while since I’ve been around, I am sorry.  Not that you’ve missed me too horribly, right?

Been a busy little bee the last couple months.  School and work and kid, oh my!  Who knew there was so much technical terminology in creative writing…  Not I, said the fly…

And yes, I was a bee, just a minute ago…

Yay Cliché!

Anyway, I do believe I have just finished my final anthology project for my English 203 class.  I had to put together a website of poetry and prose that I enjoyed and write an essay about them.  I probably didn’t do so hot on the essay part (since essays are my arch nemesis, honestly) but I think the website is fairly decent.

My Anthology

Clicky clicky on the linky linky if you really wanna see just how strange I really am…

Right now, I’m supposed to be cleaning up the house.  My inlaws are coming up for the holidays and I’m so very paranoid about everything and wanting to impress them (you’d think after 10 years I’d get over that) and make sure nothing in this house will get my father in law sick (he’s battling cancer, damnit).  So my own mom has been helping me out and everything is going ok…  But my son now isn’t feeling well and that’s just what I needed…

You would think I would have learned to not write run-on sentences like that…  Or paragraphs that don’t make sense…  Or use too many periods…  Dot… Dot… Dot…

Is this a sign that I’m cracking?  *twitch*

Anyway, now that I’m technically done with classes for a couple weeks, I will have time to write!

*snort*  Think I’ll remember?

Though there is something I do want to post, but I have to wait until Christmas for it.  I got my son a really cool gift and I hope his reaction is everything I think it will be.  I’m gonna record it.  😉  And if it is, I’m gonna post it.

Ok, off for now.  Time to clean all the things!

Great Glittery Balls, Batman!

I hate the internet sometimes.  I totally had this super long blog post all typed up and I was editing a few things and adding a few links and *POOF*!!!!  It was gone.  Like the food in my house when there’s a hungry tweenaged boy around, it was all gone…  I hate it when I’m incompetent.  I know it was my fault and not the internet, but I need a scape goat and the internet looks like a damn goat to me.  Don’t ask.

This exists. I didn't have to make this up. I don't hate the internet. I love the internet.

This exists. I didn’t have to make this up. I don’t hate the internet. I love the internet.

So in the college front, Squally here isn’t doing so awesome.  I’m getting my things done and turned in but I’ve missed two assignments so far, one in each class.  And I’m not so great at writing.  Who knew?!  And did you know that there’s a freaking text book on writing poems?  Yeah.  Apparently rhyming is tougher than I thought.  Seriously though, there is a lot of information about poems and what constitutes a poem and different types of poems and holy cow do I really not like poems much right now.  Not even going to tell you about the essays I have in the other class…  Oy!!!

So, instead of working on those essays, I’m typing here.  I just have so much on my mind and it’s terrifying.  Last weekend we went to Rockstar’s cousin’s wedding.  It was outdoors and I wore heels.  Yay for twisted ankles!  But I had to pack for me and Spawn, and Rockstar wanted to leave by a certain time and I totally was not ready and you know, we still made it in time.  Before his parents got there even, and they stayed overnight at a hotel near the park where the wedding was!  I digress…  I took a few xanax to help me deal.  I was surrounded by Rockstar’s family, and many of his uncles are roofers.  So…  When the party got going, around 3 or 4, you can imagine the atmosphere.  Two words:  FREE BAR.  So while Rockstar mingled with his family and caught up with cousins and his mom took Spawn around to show off her “grandson”, I hung out at a table in the corner of the dining hall and watched people move around, writing in my notebook (figured I’d look like an ass if I took out my ipad and keyboard, which I totally had with me in my purse).  At one point Rockstar’s dad came up with one of his 8 or 9 brothers (10?) and introduced him to me, but I couldn’t really understand him.  Nice guy, but yeah…  Free flowing beer and booze, loud music, and lots of people don’t make for a nice quiet conversational atmosphere.  Anyway, we stayed at a motel with horrible beds and I still can feel the springs digging into my sides when I tried to sleep…  Ow…  We’ve been home for two days…  So I did survive…  I thank Xanax, Goddess of Calming, and Gin and Tonic, Brothers of Keeping Rockstar Company (so he wouldn’t get mad at me for “acting” like a total dumbass).

This weekend is the annual women’s weekend for my mom’s family.  My grandmother, aunts, and cousins get together every October and celebrate the life and love that my great grandmother had.  She passed away a couple days after my 2nd (3rd?) birthday.  So it’s a tradition, to celebrate sisterhood.  And buttons.  Can’t forget the buttons.  I’ve been going to this weekend thingy for a few years now, and it’s always an interesting time.  One of the first years I’ve gone on this trip, we went out to eat at a really nice sports bar and restaurant.  There’s maybe 20 of us, give or take, so we’re a huge group of loudly laughing women.  Now, 20 women walk into a sports bar and resturant, you’d think, whoa, big group!

Then those 20 women  PUT GOOGLY GLITTERLY BALLS ON THEIR HEADS.

I had glitter in places where there should never be glitter!

I had glitter in places where there should never be glitter!

Yes, we all wore those on our heads, for the entire meal.  I don’t have any picture proof myself, but I do know that there are some out there, somewhere.  And every year, we give little gifts and things to eachother.  My grandmother and one of my aunts makes quilts.  So we’ve gotten little lap quilts.  But, the best gift that I remember are the pasties that my aunt and her daughters gave us all, as a reminder that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  Yes, I have pasties.  No, I will not show you.  But, in case you wanted to know just exactly where my crazy comes from, I totally insist that you come with me this weekend.  Chances are it’ll be a little more low key this year, as we’re not going to the cities like we generally do, but I still bet some sort of shenanigans will be going on.  I probably won’t get into too much trouble this year since I’m fairly reclusive and actually do have midterm papers to work on this weekend and turn in on Monday.  I’ll be bringing along my old Asus and typing away…

My deleted post also contained a bit about my fun time with depression and anxiety.  Things I do to try to ground myself back down to earth when all I want to do is run, and things I do to pick myself up when all I want to do is hide under the covers.  Maybe I’ll rewrite it sometime.  Maybe I’ll really let you all see what’s under the mask that I wear.  Maybe that way you’ll be able to handle it and help instead of not being able to and making things worse.  (Metaphorically speaking, not just about me here, but about every person out there who suffers with depression and anxiety.)  Maybe I’ll get the courage to post it anyway…

Right now, however, I’m going to go and snuggle with my Figgy Kitty and watch silly youtube videos.

soft_kitty_by_petit_j-d37l11c

G’night!

ITunes Can Suck It. — Addendum: 3 Hours Later… Itunes doesn’t need to suck it anymore…

Ever get so frustrated that the only thing you wanna do is smash the item you have in your hand?  Well, I haven’t done it, YET, but I’m so damn pissed off at this stupid iphone that I totally could just throw it into the street and let a semi have it’s way with it.

What happened is that Thursday night, I’m all working on my homework and stuff, and I’m listening to my music on my phone (Ivan Torrent is awesome) and I’m also checking out new music on iTunes.  I see a couple songs I’d love to have, so I click buy and then figure I can download them from the stupid icloud to my cellphone.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  Joke’s on me, people.  I tried to download the three songs I purchased from my computer, and they wouldn’t download to my  cell.  WTF, ITunes?  So ok, I decide to delete a few things out, thinking maybe I’m over my storage.  MY WHOLE DAMN MUSIC LIBRARY IS FREAKING GONE!!!  Gone, just up and *poof* walked away and took my money with it.  I went to the itunes app itself and went to my purchases, and I apparently haven’t purchased any music.  *snerk*  Yeah, right, check my receipts, Bitch.

Ugh.

Music Go Bye Bye

My music apparently wanted a vacation so badly that it took itself completely out of the icloud.  I’m pissed beyond words right now because I’ve spent a lot of freaking money on music, and I’ve had an iphone since IPHONE 3 was released, however many years ago that was.  So, that’s A LOT OF MUSIC that Itunes just freaking ate up and didn’t pay for.  Serious so pissed off right now.

And to top it off, I’m trying to sync my phone to my computer, and I don’t know why this happens, but my wireless mouse freezes up every damn time my phone is plugged into my computer.  What the hell is that all about?  So I replug in my mouse, it starts working, but only because my phone apparently was unplugged at the same damn time through the same damn usb port that my mouse uses.  *sighs*

At this moment, I am so freaking pissed off with itunes and my iphone, I would gladly switch to anything else.  Freaking TRACFONE is looking so good right now…

And I don’t live anywhere near those pretentious “Apple Bar” bullshit places, and there’s no way that the people at the cell shop where I bought my phone would know anything about it.  This is completely Apple’s fault and itunes.

I’ve looked online for explinations and help and apparently it’s a problem other people are having as well, though I don’t see where their ENTIRE LIBRARY of music just vanishes.

So…

Also, Windows 10 doesn’t like to let me upload my pictures from my phone.  It keeps telling me something went wrong.  WHAT the WHAT?

I’ve been fighting with my phone and itunes since 7 am.  It’s now nearly 10.  I’ve somehow managed to break my cooling fan that my laptop sits on.  So I have to go to the damn store and pick up a new one.  Which means I need to get off of here and drive to the next town over because my town doesn’t have anything like that anywhere, and I have to do so without my freaking music.

I wanna cry.

———————————————–

Addedum: 1:00 pm

So.  After crying and talking to my mommy on the phone, I grew a pair and contacted Apple.  Someone got back to me in like two seconds, and I was all, “Wow, that was fast!” and the guy on the other end was laughing and said it sounded as if I needed help yesterday and that he’d better call.  *lol*  (Also, guy’s name was Matt, and he was in Milwaukee.  Awesome!)  Yeah, anyway…  I talked him twice today. First to get a glimpse of what happened, he linked to my computer, we looked around my account, and he was a baffled as I was.  He noticed that my receipts showed my songs as being paid for, but when you went to that song in the store, it wanted me to rebuy it.  After dinking around for a little longer, he decided to call the accounting department to make sure my purchases were still there after all and call me back.  LO and BEHOLD, someone in the accounting department figured out all of my songs were HIDDEN.

Yes.  Seriously.  HIDDEN.

*crickets*

I don’t know how it happened, but I must have hidden all of my music when I thought I was making room for the songs I purchased the other night.  I don’t know what I hit, I don’t know how I managed to do that, I’m like fricken HOODINI!

Hahahaha!

VanossGaming on YouTube. Look him up, he’s awesome.

I feel like a fricken dork, I don’t know.  Speechless.

It’s magic, people.  Itunes equals MINDFREAK.

Now.  If only I can figure out why Win 10 doesn’t like it when I plug in my iphone…

New Semester Has Started!

Hello my peoples!  *hears crickets*  Yeah, that’s what I kind of thought.  I know it’s been forever since I’ve actually posted an update, but I’m hoping to change that.  Aren’t you lucky?  Well, maybe if you read this you are…  Or are you?  *evil laughter*

Let me restart by saying that I PASSED GEOMETRY!!!!  I didn’t think it was possible, but I did.  With a C, of all grades.  I thought for sure, that if Eris (HAIL!) allowed me to pass, I would have gotten a D.  Instead, I got a C…  That is fricken amazing.  Seriously.  If you had taken the class with the teacher I had, you’d think it was amazing too!  Remedial Geometry it was not!  But, I will take the grade and not look back! (Just in case she made a typo or something…)
And, in my first English class, I received a B+.  I am so over the moon about that, it’s awesome.  I’m not confident in my writing abilities (probably why I don’t post on here nearly as often as I should to make paying for my page worth it).  But I wrote my little heart out with those essays, and I must have done something right.  My professor was awesome too; I couldn’t have done it without his help.

So here I sit, one week in to my second semester of college.  I’ve taken two classes only, learning from my mistake of trying to do a full course load of four online classes.  Two seems to be about all I can handle (given the proper medication).  I’m in two English classes this semester, Eng 102 and Eng 203.  Another essay writing course, and a creative writing course.  It is the creative writing course that gave me the kick in the butt to start posting here again.  We focus on a lot of freewriting in that class, and I actually did an essay on freewriting for my Eng 101 class last semester that my prof seemed to like.  So here I am, freewriting my way through college.  😀

It has also occurred to me that I should probably write about other things besides college, given that the majority of the people who may or may not read this have already been there and done that.  So, I’m going to just randomly write about whatever pops into my head.  Or pops out of my head.  Does that sound kinda dirty?  Should I be charging admission for all of this?

I live in a rose vomit colored house in a tiny little town in WI.  We’re currently getting the roof redone.  FINALLY.  I rent, so I had to wait until my landlord could nail down the roofer guy (puns!) and it’s only taken 3 years.  But it’s finally getting worked on.  It’s not the greatest job, and it’s been raining a lot since they started, so now there’s a new leak in my dining room, but at least it’s getting done.  Maybe wood chunks and rock from the chimney won’t fall off the house anymore.  They’re also adding a new residing to the top floor part of the house, changing it from a light rosey puke to a white.  So the bottom will still be the dark rose vomit color, and the top will be white, and the shingles look kinda blue.  My house is a morbid colored patriotic mess…

By the way, you will notice I don’t do transitional material…  (Thank you George Carlin!)

Here then, is a picture of my Figgy monster and the wonderful dumpster on my yard just outside the dining room window.

It's been a long day hiding from the roofers.

It’s been a long day hiding from the roofers.

Goodnight Stars
Goodnight Air
Goodnight Noises
Everywhere

In over my head…

Ok.  I’m just one person.  

In my family life, things are good.  I’m a single mom, yes, but I have a wonderful mom (hi, Mugs) and dad who help when I need help with Spawn.  I have a fantastic quasi-hubby who is looking forward to baseball games and getting Spawn to mow the lawn.  And my ex hubby is always there to help and support the kiddo too.  So don’t think it’s because of my family when I say I’m going crazy…  Tho Spawn’s grades aren’t all they can be…  But I can’t judge…  

I’m just one person.  

But, at my job, I’m doing the work of three people.  Yes, I slack off now and then, because if I didn’t, I would literally burn out.  Name me one person who doesn’t slack off now and then at their job, and I’ll show you a person with no imagination…  Doing all the traffic and billing, and all the commercial programming for six stations, plus general secretary work and managing the office, plus acting as personal assistants to each sales rep.  It’s no wonder I get headaches each day or why my ass is so big…  *sigh*

This is why I’m crazy…

One person, doing the job of three.  

I hate daylight savings time.  I’m seriously all sorts of messed up, and I don’t understand why.  I go to sleep around 10:30 or 11, I’m tired as hell, and I lay there WIDE AWAKE.  Because why not?  I’ve gone to sleep somewhere around 2 am each night this week.  Wake up late at 7:15 and try to push Spawn out the door to get to school on time by 8:10.  So I literally have the sleep pattern of a college kid during finals.

One person, doing the job of three, with the sleep pattern of a college kid during finals.  Yep…

Oh, and toss in the fact that I can’t focus on anything!  You wouldn’t believe how long it’s taken me to type this out.  Seriously.  This isn’t a long entry.  But it’s taken me about an hour to do it… 

I’m just one person, who does the job of three, has the sleeping habits of a college freshman, and the attention span of a 4 year old in Toys R Us.

So is it any wonder that I’m failing my math class?  Or why I can’t think long enough to type up an essay every week?  I only have two classes.  Hell, my “remedial” math class doesn’t even count!  (Who puts a new Adult student who hasn’t had a math class in 15 plus years into a Geometry class and say it’s remedial?)

I just realized that I never actually mentioned that I don’t “go” to college; I’m an online student.  I have to technically teach myself.  My English prof is a great guy, and he senses when I’m not keeping up, but my math prof isn’t.  I’m kind of thinking she gave up on our online class because all but 4 of us have dropped it…  

I think it would be better if I could take only one class a semester.  At least until I get my act together.  

Who knows how long that would be tho…

And do they even let you be a part time student by only taking one class a semester?  Is there a minimum credit limit?  

My head hurts.

What’s cool though is that I have an open window in my office right now.  It’s nice to have been moved to a cell with a window.  The view isn’t much, but it’s ok…  Reminds me that there is life outside this office…

Well, shoot…  Went from My Little Ponies to Strawberry Shortcake, didn’t I?  Guess that means I should just stop now and wait until I can be released for the night…

And head into my personal online hell of obtuse triangles and strange theorems, and analytical essays about online learning and the differences between online and book resources…

What was I thinking?!

Book Alert!!! Jaye Wells’ Prospero’s War series.

As you may or may not know, I am a member of Jaye Wells’ street team. She is a fantastic author and a super sweet person. Her books have provided me with precious escapes from the real world, which I so direly need from time to time. Her latest book, Deadly Spells, came out last week. I haven’t had the opportunity to finish it just yet, as school is taking up a lot of my “free time”, but what time I do get to spend reading, I’m going through this one, almost painstakingly slow, so as to not have it end so soon. The world Ms. Wells built for her Prospero’s War series is one I can see myself living in, it’s so real. Magic and the mundane collide in a detective setting and it’s pure awesome.

Deadly Spells, buy it here! Amazon

The book is not a stand alone book however. But the first book, Dirty Magic, and the second one, Cursed Moon, are so worth the read. Seriously, check them out. You won’t be disappointed.

Ms. Wells has published quite a few books, and I’m proud to say I do own them all in one format or the other (quite often both paperback and digital). She’s one of my favorite authors, and through her I’ve found a few others to check out as well.