I kinda suck at this, don’t I?

This whole blogging thing.  I am horrible at it.  I have this blog that I pay for the site address every year, and I rarely use it.  Suppose I should do something about that.

I shall subject you, whoever you are, to more of my stupidity!  Yay!

And I figured out how to link it to facebook, so now my dear friends on there will see it.  Aren’t you all just freaking lucky?

So.   I have depression.  I have taken medications for years and I, after being without insurance for a year, actually was forced to ween myself off of them.  It didn’t hurt that the last couple my doctor tried to get me to take were scary as hell…  So yeah, I don’t take anything for my depression and anxiety.  And I can tell.  I have good days and I have bad days.  But what makes them any different than a person who doesn’t have depression?  Don’t you guys have good days and bad days too?  Sure ya do…
My bad days are marked by when I lock myself in the upstairs bathroom and sit on the floor and read my book or watch youtube videos on my ipad.  I could be “stuck” in there for a couple hours.  The guys in my house rarely notice, since they’re too busy doing their own things anyway.  (Thank you, xbox and new television.)   The cats, however, think it’s fun, since I’m basically sitting by the door and they stick their paws under it and I can tap them and they think it’s a game and mommy’s playing!  Then they get pissed that they can’t get into the bathroom and turn into mini furry battling rams and run into the door.  That’s generally my cue to get out of there.

I’ve been ok lately.  Last week was kinda tough, but I managed.  I don’t know why, so before you ask, Mom, I have no idea why I was down.  I just was.  No particular reason.  There never seems to be a reason, it just happens.  I’ve been emailing with my friend Manda (whom I believe is actually my sister and that she and my brother Wookie are either twins and got seperated or she was the original baby in the hospital and Wookie belongs to someone else – JUST KIDDING WOOKIE!!!  LOVE YOU!!!) and she it a major know it all, but in the best way possible.  She gets me, gets what I am going through, and offers up suggestions on how to fix it.  Manda’s going to college to be a “wellness professional”, whatever that entails, but she believes that mental health must be dealt with first before the whole exercise and eating right thing, because if you’re not in the right headspace, the first slip up of your diet and you’re gonna crash.  She thinks that if you are in the right frame of mind, everything else will come naturally.  (This is why I love this lady, she’s awesome.)  So, upon her suggestions of some basic vitamins and herbal stuffs, I’m going to try to control my depression and anxiety without having to go on medications that will leave me feeling like I’m a space cadette and I’m on my first space walk: not really attached to anything but a thin cord holding me down.  I hated that feeling.  And while depression is horrible, I can still feel.  Some days I just feel more than others.  Once I get it under control though, the rest of it will follow (the eating better and exercising more).

So yes.  I have depression.  Depression does not have me though.

I’m in Psychology this semester.  I’m really liking it.  A lot.  Like a lot more than I thought I would.  I’m honestly thinking of changing up my major, and instead of going for English and going into publishing, perhaps I should go into Psychology.  Seriously.  I honestly know why I have anxiety (the regulations of gamma-aminobutyric acid [GABA] being off, according to some studies) and depression (lowered levels of activation at norepinephrine [NE] and serotonin synapses).  (I didn’t even have to look that up!  Ok, I did for the spelling of GABA and NE, since you guys wouldn’t know what those meant if I left it at GABA and NE.)  I can’t wait to read more about this, to know exactly why and how those synapses not working correctly happens, or if it’s something the body is born with.  I get giddy just thinking about it, and I’ve actually looked ahead in the (massively expensive) text book (that I will not be reselling since I’ve highlighted it so much it looks like a rainbow threw up in it). I’ve gotten A’s on all of the assignments and mini quizes and the papers I’ve written so far.  Which is a far cry better than the B’s I’m barely pulling in in my business class.  I like it, but honestly I don’t have a brain for that stuff.  I read it, I understand it, but if you ask me anything about it, I draw a complete blank.  I’m hoping I pass.  *lol*  Nah, it’s not all that bad, but seriously, I don’t have a brain for business.  I don’t get all the big words they use.  (Me not so bright…)

Anyway.  I paid for this website for another year.  I’m gonna use it.  I have a twitter account but I never use it (except when I’m so bored and I feel like stalking the guy who plays McGee on NCIS).  So I’m thinking of making this my quasi-twitter account.  If that makes sense.  It does to me.  That’s all that matters.  Right?


2 thoughts on “I kinda suck at this, don’t I?

  1. Katherine says:

    Depression and anxiety seriously suck. I hear you. Glad youre blogging. Love ya. xx

  2. Mai says:

    🙂 Writing is also very therapeutic. Looking forward to reading more.

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